TW: self-harm, mental health, anxiety
He appeared to be in his sixties, and had a permanent furrow etched between his overgrown brows. Card and palm readings were $10 each; I asked for the cards. He shuffled a well-worn deck of generic poker cards before laying them out one by one in a circle.
After laying down the last card, he took a quick glance at the cards and shifted his gaze to something in the distance. He looked almost bored.
After laying down the last card, he took a quick glance at the cards and shifted his gaze to something in the distance. He looked almost bored.
You're having trouble in your career.
He told me the last few years had been hard for me work-wise, and it'd be over soon if I just 忍.
He told me the last few years had been hard for me work-wise, and it'd be over soon if I just 忍.
But I did not want to bear it. Months of trying to renegotiate unrealistic workloads, deadlines and expectations unsuccessfully had left my tank completely empty. I'd sometimes envisioned what it would be like to hurl myself off the fourth floor of our office block, wondering if that was what it'd take for my limits to be respected.
Fortune teller uncle then told me I should stay at my job until April. My heart sank to my feet. My only wish for the new year was to heal, and I couldn't imagine how that would happen if I remain tethered to the source of my grief.
He added a caveat, more practical than prophetic: if you've already made up your mind, go through with it and stop asking for opinions. This was of course, pre-covid. Had I known what awaited, I might've had an even harder time making my decision.
Not satisfied with the reading, I fished out another $10 for a palm and face reading. A quick glance at my face, down toward my open palms, and then the same bored expression.
You get over things easily, don't you? That's good, you'll live a happy life that way. But you're too soft. Harden yourself, stop giving so much. Depend less on others and cultivate your relationship with yourself.
-
It is May 2021 now. Enough time has passed since the encounter with the fortune teller for me to see which of his predictions held any weight. He'd missed the mark majorly on most of them (especially April as a good time to start looking for job, that's when we went into lockdown lol), but that day set in motion the events that have led me to where I am today.
If you've already made up your mind, go through with it and stop asking for opinions.
For one, I resigned the fuck out of my previous job, in the same meeting I was supposed to discuss a permanent role. NGL, it felt like quite a power move. Ex-colleagues speculated if I'd jumped ship to another organisation in the arts, but the truth was, I had no plans. I just needed out. There were only so many breakdowns I could have in the office bathroom. I was at the last centimetre of my rope.
You get over things easily, don't you?
It took me six months before I found employment. This was a longer break than I'd intended, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed.
During the lockdown I'd settled into my own little ritual of exercising in my semi-lit room past midnight. Once done, I would lie down on my bedroom floor with my palms open in surrender. In those moments I held space for the feelings that had battered me for months (who goes through four jobs in two years? / you whined too much, which is why your old friends stopped asking you to hang out / you were too much for her, so she ghosted you.) Afterward, I burnt sage and imagined the smoke drawing the hurt out of my body, watching as it slipped out the window.
Depend less on others and cultivate your relationship with yourself.
Around the time I quit my job, I also started seeing a counsellor. I felt like I'd hit a wall with my coping mechanisms. Trying to bulldoze my way through problems with ~determination~ and ~resilience~ just wasn't cutting it anymore, and I wanted to see if I could live a lighter, gentler existence. It's something I'm still working on, but the healing has begun. Who knew fraught relationships with authority figures at work could be tied to mummy issues? Not me!
After discovering through counselling that I, too, possess the very Asian trait of being too hard on myself, I am still figuring out the difference between self-punishment and self-awareness. The line is blurred to me, having confused the former for the latter my whole life. My counsellor says the difference is self-love. During one of our first sessions I asked her where I'd find the motivation for self-improvement if I were to be kinder to myself. If I were truly enough, as she was trying to get me to believe, what reason would there be for me to grow? With a knowing smile, she replied: "If you loved a plant, would you not water it?"
-
I am nearly a year into my new-ish job now, but I haven't spoken much about it online for the fear of jinxing it. The truth is, I am happy at work - audaciously so. I say audacious because I know how hard this is to come by. I am being fairly paid for work I am good at and enjoy. Somebody call the ikigai police!!!
The irony is this - when I was at my most anxious, I looked around me and all I saw were people more accomplished than I was. An acquaintance getting promoted. Another celebrating their third anniversary at work when I'd never made it to a year at any of my jobs. I internalised that there was something inherently wrong with me. But once the fog lifted, I saw that the floundering was common for people in their twenties, and I never should have felt so ashamed (thank you Brené Brown). Hardly anybody knows what the fuck they're doing, those who look like they do are pretending. What I'd perceived as personal failures were really just part of the ride.
And so we are here in May 2021, possibly on the brink of another lockdown. There is a sense of déjà vu, bringing to mind where I was this time last year.
At least now I'm watering myself at suitable intervals, tending my own leaves. Who knows, one day this plant might just bear fruit.
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