Tuesday 14 April 2020

Love in the Time of Covid: Non-bs LDR Tips

Holding hands - something we won't be doing for awhile

I write and speak quite extensively about long-distance relationships because it's one of the most challenging things to experience as a couple. I've learnt a lot about myself and relationships along the way, but I was glad to be done with LDRs when Terence came back for good last year.

Now, thanks to Covid, we've found ourselves in a pseudo LDR once again. Everything feels eerily familiar, and I find myself drawing upon all the coping tactics I'd developed while we were apart. Even though I've gone months without seeing my partner previously, whatever we're dealing with isn't easy and I'm ok with admitting that.

For all those who are struggling with the "distance", I did some thinking and came up with these tips to help you be less miserable. As always, I'm no expert, just trying to keep it real.


1. Acknowledge that this sucks

This pandemic is a collectively traumatic experience for all of humanity. I'm totally for positive thinking, but let's call a spade a spade: whatever we're facing is terrible. The worst you can do is indulge in the pain olympics, by either considering how much worse off you are than others, or trying to console yourself by telling yourself you don't have it that bad.

How much you're shielded from the effects of the virus depends on your socioeconomic class, but you can still acknowledge how sucky this is. It sucks that your wedding got postponed. It sucks that your couple trip to Bali was cancelled. It sucks that you can't even meet your partner at the void deck for 5 minutes when you lose your job and need a shoulder to cry on. Does it suck more for others in less privileged situations? Of course. But your situation sucks for you, and that's ok.

2. Don't police other couples

If you're strictly enforcing lockdown rules, good for you. But this doesn't give you the right to lord it over other couples who aren't. Unless you are a frontline worker or a government official, you don't need to rant daily about people going out/visiting each other on social media. It has zero impact at this point.

People already got the message and it's up to the real police to do their jobs now. Your stay home manifesto says more about your sense of superiority than your social responsibility. It baffles me that some people doing this are married/cohabiting couples. You have no leverage! None!

3. You don't have to count down the days

A rookie mistake I made when I just started LDR was to set a countdown timer for when I could next see my partner. I know this helps for some people, but I discovered the following things:

With a timer, it feels even worse when plans change unexpectedly. Imagine you have less than 3 days on the clock and then the government announces an extension to the lockdown. Having to reset the timer might make you feel that all the days that went by counted for nothing! (Of course it counts for something but you get what I mean)

Instead, I find it easier to have a rough idea of how much time is left while focusing on the present. E.g, looking forward to a video call that evening rather than a prospective outing to the zoo in 4 months time.

4. You don't need to have sexy time

Idk how many times I've seen web articles or forums suggest cyber/phone sex. Idk who needs to read this, but it's ok if you're not into it. Physical intimacy is already a weird, complex thing, and trying to replicate it through digital means can be really awkward.

Now that everyone is stuck at home it's even weirder, because a lot of us live with our families and there just isn't that kind of privacy!!! Imagine getting it on and then your ah ma calls you for dinner - total mood killer.

Instead, you might wanna take this time to deepen the non-physical aspects of your relationship. Ideas include: doing personality quizzes and sharing results with each other, playing games together (overcooked nearly ended my relationship jk), watching shows through Netflix Party, sending them embarrassing past photos/vids of yourself (I begged Terence to show me a video he made to win back his ex).

5. Be an oversharer

Communication is a lot more intentional when you don't get to see your partner whenever you like.  When we're in the same country, I have the bad habit of going hours without texting back. If the matter is important enough, my partner and I will bring it up the next time we meet anyway.

But when communication is the only thing you've got going for you, it doesn't hurt to share more than you usually would. It takes a lot more to feel connected when you're apart, so feel free to tell your partner what you ate for lunch or send more selfies and memes throughout the day.

6. Keep being kind 

If you're bickering more than usual, treat it as a symptom of the current situation rather than a serious problem in your rs. It's important to see how much of your conflict is due to the shitty circumstances vs actual issues that were already present.

Also, remember that you can still do nice things for each other! Terry used to order late night macs for me from New York and it felt so nice to be taken care of even from far away. I must confess that he's a lot better at the romancing than I am... my idea of showing love is sending him zoomed in photos of himself. Doing this makes me inexplicably happy but he might argue that this is a negative example of being kind LOL.

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So there you go, yet another one of my nobody-asked opinions on love and dating. If you liked the tips, tell me! If you hated them, please see point number 6 ^^ We're truly living in unprecedented times, and I hope that you're safe and well, wherever you are. Sending you all my love!

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